In it's full light
When I was a kid, I could easily define the word "hope". I could tell you all about my dreams and my ambitions and they would all embody this idea that hope was infinite, the birth of dreams into existence.
But I never was asked out by Joey in the 5th grade and I never was praised for my sense of style or gorgeous hair; my wish to stay in one town to forego another new school without friends, went unheard, unnoticed. Learning the imminent lessons of life would prove to be difficult for me. It wasn't until I reached adulthood that I finally experienced hope through the darkness, and also, in it's full light.
In my 20's, I found myself at a crossroads, where the one huge thing that I hoped for, was out of my control. My noble cause and drive was to become a Mom. This desire was so engrained in me that I never expected for it to not happen, until it did. I would spend most of my time trying to get answers and asking countless, misguided questions. Why me? Was I not worthy of a miracle? After years of losses and too many trials to count, we gave life and love to a sweet little girl. And although I had always imagined myself with a house full of children, here I am with one beautiful, sometimes imperfect, soul. It took time, but I finally accepted this life as my new normal, even if it was slightly altered from my original plan.
Those times were some of the hardest in my life, and honestly, they probably will keep that title, maybe forever. But something ironic happened, the same hope that had led me into this roller-coaster, brought me back out again ready to accept the world. I was given a gift, one that helps me to see life for all it's worth, through a heart full of gratitude and love. An ideal life, or the life I had once deemed ideal, would have never brought me to this moment of clarification, and this moment is wonderful.
I have often pondered what I could leave with this beautiful soul of mine. What part of me, her Mother, would I wish for her to hold close to her heart? I would want her to know how hard we fought for her. We did everything we could, just to have a chance at meeting the little girl from our dreams. And at any moment along the journey, we could have just gave up. But hope gave us the strength to endure. And so, my sweet girl, it will do the same for you.
I am so proud to be joining other amazing women to share our thoughts on Hope for a special project called "Project Something Beautiful". Please click the button below to follow along other amazing stories starting with a post from my lovely friend, Tina.